#13!

I just had the amazing privilege to witness my teammate, my friend, and my comadre get inducted into the SDSU Hall of Fame, one of the highest honors a softball player can obtain.  The entire experience was so indescribable, but I will try to express into words.  Sandra and I have shared the field for 15 years, and it was such an incredible honor to see one of the finest athletes, ever to hit a softball field, receive her recognition.  She by far is the best pitcher I have ever played behind and anyone who played behind her would have to agree.  She had this change up that made players look like they’ve never held a bat in their lives, and I have to be honest I laughed hysterically every time, thanking God every day she was on MY team.  When Brookie (her career catcher) called the pitch, I knew exactly where the ball was going and exactly where to position myself.  This was IF the batter even hit the ball, which most of the time they were sent back to the dugout verrrrrry embarrassed.  It was a joke on the team that she was our “circle princess”, which if you’re an athlete reading this you know that definition….if not here it is….

                        Circle Princess- (noun or adj.): The team’s pitcher…aka…..the coach’s favorite person in the whole wide world…especially when she retires 20 players straight….and yes when she beats the defending national champions…..she can do no wrong…..she can say no wrong…..you bow down to her…..if you don’t you’re now coach’s most hated player…..ahahhahah I’m totally joking Sandra!!! (not really) but I know she’s laughing so it’s ok!!!!

So I’ll begin when she called me to help her shop for her event….and yes ladies and gentlemen it was on Black Friday!!!!!!   Now this is a gorgeous woman who wears softball clothes every day of her life because she’s a head coach and runs a fitness facility.  I knew this was going to be challenging due to her crazy “Black Friday” shopping until 6 am……but she got great deals so I’ll excuse her.  We started at Macy’s…..I knew we were in BIGGGGGGGGGGG trouble when I asked her size and she said she didn’t know it. UMMMM WHAT??!! You don’t know your dress size…..ok…..you look like a 4 but your booty looks like a “There’s not really a size for that thing back there!”  HAHAHA I can only say this due to the situation I am also currently lugging around called my big a$$!   So we figure out her size, gather multiple dresses and head to the dressing room, and this is where I knew we had met our demise.  She goes in…starts trying them on…..she would barely show me through a cracked door….wouldn’t turn around when I asked her to….and hated them all! OMMMMGGG ok…..so we re-grouped left the store….and I could see I was already losing her and her bloodshot eyes.  We went to a couple other stores, but as you guessed…..nothing.  After hours we end at Cache….one of my favorite dress stores.  Now, I was living a dream when I asked her our budget and she said “No budget”…..I screamed with joy!!!!   We grabbed every dress and went to the room……I thought surely we’re done…we found them here.  Little did I know, she wasn’t even trying any on! She was texting and facebooking…….I could’ve slapped her!!!!  So I ask her if she’s ok in there and I notice..uh ohhhh….the very depressed answer “everything’s fine!” Oh crap I know this line, I use it on Michael all of the time….right before I start screaming and balling my eyes out in the dressing room.  So I ask her…”are you about to start your period?” (sorry folks for too much info..but all the women reading will understand)…she replied…Yes…..CCCCCCCRAAAAAAPPPPP CODE RED CODE RED PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!! Let’s get out of here quickly!!!!! I can never shop at that time…1. I think I’m the size of an elephant….2. I’m emotionally unstable….and 3. I normally want to smash all of the mirrors I look into!  SO we leave unsuccessful in the dress department, but I reminded her we learned a lot.  I felt compassion for her, because I‘ve been there before, but honestly the stores were such a disaster, it looked like a bomb went off in all of them….we weren’t going to find anything.  We chalked it up as some quality friend time and a learning lesson.  Never go shopping on Black Friday…on No sleep….in Northridge….hungry….no Starbucks…..about to start your period…..oh did I mention we were in Northridge. 

On to the Ceremony……She looked absolutely divine!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!! She cleans up very nice! There were 4 inductees and the 1958 baseball team.  Leave it to the one Mexican to have 25 people there to support her……Just kidding…. She only had 14 there…..but this just means she is very loved!  The Host of the ceremony was Ted Leitner aka Bob Ueker from Major League! Sandra’s highlight reel came up second and I left my body watching in complete aweeee! They announced her name, named off her stats, and brought my coach up to present her with the award.  I played with her and forgot how many accomplishments she had acquired.  She still holds most of the pitching records at SDSU.  Her speech was beautiful and the tears commenced and didn’t stop for a while.  One thing my coach said stood out in my mind.  Sandra was one of the most selfless players you will ever play with.  AMEN! She was the dream teammate….she always made the infield’s job extremely easy.  I always told her I can get my lawn chair out…drink a margarita….and get a tan at shortstop! She was the definition of a team player, someone you not only admired but who had your back 100%! She still looked in complete shock as she walked up to accept her statue.  Then she spoke…..I was at a complete loss for any function other than crying.  She acknowledged every single person who came to support her and spoke more about us than she did about herself…..very “SANDRA LIKE”.  This was her; her speech embodied what she represents as a person, player, coach, teacher, daughter, friend, sister, cousin, wife, and mother.  She reminisced with stories and held back others on grounds that we are still afraid of our coach! HAHAHA! She very humbly and gracefully thanked everyone for this honor and accepted her now new home in the Aztec Hall of Fame.  Our coach also surprised her with her jersey framed….the all power #13!

Ms. Sandra Durazo Lusk….I am so very proud of you and very honored to have shared the field with such an extraordinary athlete.  Thank you for sharing your talents and gifts, as I know for a fact our teams would not have propelled to success without you! Thank you for your endless selflessness, kindness, compassion, intelligence, athleticism, friendship, and simply put awesomeness! You are a blessing to everyone who knows you! I love you!

Ohhhhhhhhhh Mayweather!!!!!

                 As we’re celebrating my cousin’s 40^th birthday, we had the opportunity to watch the Ortiz vs. Mayweather fight.  I typically would not sit down and watch a fight, as I do not understand why two people hitting each other is a sport….and will never understand why the general public loves it so much (well I do…but that’s a whole other blog).  So the athlete in me kicks in….I choose my side…..and roll with it!  The fight begins, and I thoroughly enjoy watching my girl(non-athlete) cousins get so excited and scream out things that don’t even make sense….and say f%^& it and just drink their Miller Lite….my grandmother would be so proud.  While the birthday girl….let me set this up……is a hippie from SF….dressed up like Audrey Hepburn…is a hardcore advocate for NO on prop 8….walking around with champagne asking when this stupid fight is going to be over because it should NOT be on at a birthday party!!!   Of course if any of you know my family, there is a pool going for what round the fight will end…..and everyone is screaming their numbers out.  So round 4 approaches and my cousin yells out, “this is my round!!!”   Well this may be the amateur boxing critic in me…..or the just the good old Vanessa $&^t talking….and I ever so gently yelled back…..”Yeah right….it’s going 12 rounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  Ahhahahahahahahah Well for many of you that witnessed this fight….you know what happened next. 

                Round 4……Ortiz what the hell were you thinking???!!!!!!!!!! You claim you are a clean fighter….and how dirty Mayweather is……what the hell were you thinking???  You just completely opened the door to what the fans of boxing did NOT want.  This was the most pathetic showcase of classlessness on all sides.  Ortiz, I don’t know where you had been training, but head butts are not allowed in boxing.  No one will ever know what really happened in that ring….but all we know is Ortiz was trying to apologize…the ref  wasn’t looking….and BAM…..left hook…..BAM…..right…and goodnight folks!!!!!!!!! Sucker punch anyone?????? In my opinion, Mayweather is a classless…..ungrateful…..pathetic….mouthy…..jerk!!!  I hope your parents were really proud of what you did.  You looked like a complete idiot with 50 cent and your entourage in your corner.  You have the nerve to attack an 80 year old announcer, Larry Merchant, who in actuality knows more about Boxing than your ignorant mind will ever comprehend! I agree with most critics, the interview was better than the fight.  If I wanted to see two guys fight dirty and one get sucker punched….I can visit any local bar.  When Merchant came back with …”If I was 50 years younger…I’d kick you’re a$$!”...I died!!! Yes!!!!!!!….Mayweather: 0 Merchant: 1……

                What really gets me…..Mayweather made approximately $25 million on this fight!  HUH??  We have families in this country that cannot provide for each other…..and this ignorant a$$hole is making that kind of money……I just don’t get it.  WE just commemorated 10 years from the day our country was torn apart by terrorism….and we are rewarding morons like this.  Instead of him reflecting on what he has and what he has been given….he’s screaming in the face of an 80 year old announcer who is doing his job and asking the questions the audience wants answers to!   He doesn’t give you a fair shake Floyd….simply because you don’t deserve one. 

                Let me give you some advice Floyd “money” Mayweather…..Instead of going out that night to Moon and blowing what I’m sure was thousands of dollars…..maybe you should take a step back…re-watch your interview and reflect on what type of person you are!   Maybe….start a charity…give back…..take care of some families who need to eat…..learn some manners…..get some sportsmanship….Be an example……shut your mouth and  for God’s sake go to CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   This fight was a pathetic joke of a sport….there is nothing you should be proud of!

acceptance

al·low

 verb (used with object)

1.

to give permission to or for; permit: to allow a student to be absent; No swimming allowed.

2.

to let have; give as one's share; grant as one's right: to allow a person $100 for expenses.

3.

to permit by neglect, oversight, or the like: to allow a door to remain open.

4.

to admit; acknowledge; concede: to allow a claim.

5.

to take into consideration, as by adding or subtracting; set apart: to allow an hour for changing trains.

            I have to embarrassingly admit, at 32 years old , I just learned the meaning of this word.  I never truly yielded to the power of this expression until now.  I was at Barnes and Noble with my mom and proceeded to look for a new book, little did I know that a book would seek me out.  I was stopped in my tracks right in front of letters gleaming at me.  “Ask and it is given”, I said ohhhh ahhahahahhahaha that’s cute, and continued walking.  Jesus probably laughed right back at me and said, “Hey you idiot I’m trying to tell you what you need in your life!”….ok …..Jesus Christ ….you don’t have to yell at me.  Sometimes they do, we don’t listen! WE ignore the blatant answers to all of our prayers….questions….and demands to God.  They are presented to us on a daily basis, but it is up to us whether or not we allow them.

            One day it just all clicked….I was extremely grateful for my life right now.  Not what if this…what if that….when I have this….I want that….one day I have everything I want….Acceptance. Well that one day was now; I loved every aspect of my life.  We have so much and don’t realize it.  We don’t have time to recognize it while we’re preoccupied by dreaming of another life.  The minute I realized what I had, it opened up a whole new realm I’ve never known before.  It felt like the floodgates were opened to all new possibilities! If we’re constantly asking for more without acknowledging what we have, why would God give us more? 

            I let go….really let go.  I stopped trying to force things to happen like a demanding child throwing a temper tantrum.  I allowed things…people…opportunities….beautiful days….wonderful gifts…scents…music…and blessings into my life.  Allow….is a very powerful word.  To give permission….let one have….to admit…acknowledge….take into consideration.  These are all things that many of us ignore throughout our monotonous day. We sit around and wait for others to give us what we want, rather than just deciding and knowing what I deserve!  Thank you to all of my softball and acting coaches….I never quite understood what it meant by “get out of my own way” and trust.  Ahahhahahhahah hysterical…it sounds so easy, and yet we don’t do it.  For whatever karma…upbringing…or simple belief that we don’t deserve the best…….always got in the way! We are supposed to be happy, successful, and prosperous.  The moment we all realize that….will be the moment this world changes.  ALLOW love…abundance…friends….teachings…success….prosperity in!  “It’s never too late to be what you could’ve been!” (thank you Merlinda…my very smart…successful…beautiful cousin!) It’s never too late to be happy! Thank you to my new book for teaching me the “Art of Allowing”.  It’s truly an art folks….as ridiculous as that sounds….it is.  We just have to let it in and Own our power! Know what we are and what we deserve!

Common Courtesy!!!!

Every year I grow more and feel I learn more how to treat myself and other people.  How to open doors for others, let someone with 2 items go ahead of me in line, or just plain be nice to people!  Why can’t other people wake up and learn how to have common courtesy!!! Yes, again it goes back to many, many blogs ago….their parents needed to spank them more and yes of course they need JESUS!!!!!!!!   For example, you’re at the gym on the stairs and all of sudden you smell the foul death of someone’s intestines about to knock you out….or a girl on the phone cuts you off walking into starbucks and then allows the door to slam in your face..(all BEFORE my latte.. are you f@#$in crazy)…or when a ballroom dancer who thinks he’s competing for the “world’s best dancer in tight pants” award … is prancing around the studio we have rented out for our “quince kids”!   uggghhhhh People get a clue!! I don’t get it!! I really don’t!

I am so grateful to my parents for so many things but especially for teaching me manners and how to be polite!  People tell me I need to write a book, but my mom is the one who should write a book.   “Manners according to KIKA” or “Act Ladylike” or “Just don’t act like an A$$HOLE!!!!” are some of a few titles that come to mind.   As a child, I remember hearing….”Vanessa Michelle don’t touch that…..say hello and it’s nice to meet you…..don’t raise your voice….sit there and act like a lady…..DON’T touch that….Always say please and thank you!!!”  Well, thank you mom for my manners and my occasional acts of ladylike behavior!    I really do appreciate it….and I sincerely apologize for all of the “eye rolls” and “sucking of my teeth”.  I was a kid…you can’t blame me…hahahah….ok but now I will really stop my “eye rolls” I AM kind of old and know better! 

SO who or what pissed me off now….hhahahahha…..well this dancer I spoke of earlier….ding ding ding….he’s the winner!!!!!   I think what boggles my mind is the amount of disrespect others have for other humans.  So allow me to set this up….Michael and I are choreographing a quincenera and the kids are two weeks away.  FYI…they’re doing an amazing job..I’m so proud of them!!!!  We rented a place to rehearse, which looks like a dance studio/restaurant (I was just as confused) but a great space!  Well apparently “Jean Claude Jose Roberto King of the ballroom” rehearses there whenever he wants.  Well JCJR…when a group of 14 kids…parents…and choreographers are trying to utilize the space for something very important…..MOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I ask the people (that seem to be in charge) to ask him to move….because he is now dancing in and out of the children and his prancing is getting a little distracting! They tell ME to tell him….HAHHAHAH BIG mistake….So as if it’s not obvious how utterly ridiculous this entire situation is …..I respectfully ask him to move…..well apparently I just asked the GOD of all dancing to move it.  He gave me the most hideous…disrespectful face I’ve ever seen (and in my world that’s pretty bad).  I have to breathe because there are 14 children staring at me…wondering what’s going to happen next.  I kindly (I use that word loosely) tell him…you need to move out of here…my kids need to focus!!!!!!  NOW!!!!!!! Well, against his will, he left!  Now this may be asking too much of this society, but why do I have to tell “twinkle toes” to leave?  Why do I have to demand an obvious situation to get out?  Why can’t we just all have kindness and respect for each other??!!!!  If Michael and I were rehearsing in a space we didn’t pay for and people just walked in who did pay…..we would OBVIOUSLY leave with no question!  People just don’t care!! 

I’m here to tell you to CARE!!!! Be nice to each other….Do things for other people…..Have MANNERS!!!!!!!!  We should all strive to do something nice for someone else on a daily basis.  That’s my rant for the day! J Peace…love….puppies…and cupcakes!!!!!

Always a Bridesmaid never a Bride!

I just had the opportunity to experience “Bridesmaids” the movie!  I have not laughed….cried….and almost peed in my pants all at once, in a very long time.  I will indefinitely say this is the most screamingly entertaining movie I have ever seen!!!  I have never felt such a community of uncontrollable hysteria in a theatre before.   From the beginning to the end, I had to cover my mouth from embarrassing Michael with my over the top laugh…almost choking on my nachos..or spitting my soda out …I couldn’t control myself! I don’t know if it is because I can relate to being in a wedding (as I have been in about 500) or the hilarity of relationships between women.  Kristen Wiig is an absolute genius both as a writer and an actress.  Wiig and Annie Mumolo nailed every emotion, behavior, and schizophrenia that overcomes women when a wedding is in the works!!  Thank you to the both of them as this movie serves as a revolution for funny women in Hollywood!!!

If you have ever been a part of a wedding, you will see yourself in each one of these characters and have felt these ridiculous emotions at one point.  Whether anyone wants to admit it….you have felt insecurities, jealousy, sadness, happiness, joy, excitement, or complete indifference toward the entire process….and you know what??? IT’s OK!!!!!!  I have been a maid of honor about 100 times, which is just another word for the bride’s slave.  Hahahahhahah! Only kidding….Kind of! As I speak about weddings, the one that sticks out in my mind is my sister’s.  Bridezilla is an understatement…she wasn’t as much screaming at people as she was crying.  Every trip ended in tears, by either her or my dad (depending on how many times he had to pull his wallet out).  My sister would cry….my mom would be off smoooking (my mom’s English/New York/Boston accent)….my dad would be shaking his head looking at all of the bills…..I would be sitting self indulgently laughing….and my poor brother in law would be looking to me for support.  I would just give him that “hey welcome to the family” look with a sly wink!!! I have to admit I enjoyed every minute of it.  If you have ever met my family you would completely understand.  They’re hysterical!!!  Bravo eat your heart out! The real housewives of Covina coming soon!

Why does this ceremony throw women into a frenzy??!!  It brings out feelings that some women didn’t even know they possess.  There is a part in the movie where one of the bridesmaids says, “are you F&^%ing kidding me?” and stabs one of the decorations!!! BRILLIANT! I’ve seen so many girls completely lose it and when I saw this, I lost it!!!!!! We as a gender are a little on the crazy side, we have to admit girls!!! It’s ok….if we weren’t this way men would be completely bored out of their mind! In the magazine Glamour there is a section called “Hey, it’s ok if……” ….well here is my wedding version!

Hey it’s ok if you……..

1.        As a bridesmaid…you order a dress two sizes too small to give yourself motivation and the day of the wedding the dress completely rips off of you right before pictures! (I won’t mention any names!)

2.       You secretly want to rip the bride’s face off because she has the perfect life and you’re still living with your parents!

3.       Get obliterated at your friend’s bachelorette party and throw up on the machines in the casino…get wheeled out…and get us all kicked out

4.       You get wasted at your friend’s bachelorette party….we lose you…and find you hanging upside down on the gogo cage like monkey bars.

5.       If you pull out your breast and spray the bar with breast milk!

6.       If you stop the entire club by doing push ups and squats on the gogo box and have everyone screaming 1…2….3…..4…..5!!!!!!!!!!

7.       If you ask for a Latin one and got a Black one and he says he’s Dominican!

8.       IF you light your sister’s “binky” on fire during your speech..Hey she’s married now!

9.       If you sing Baby got back on stage in your Bridesmaid’s dress

10.   And finally….It’s perfectly ok with being happy for her when you are completely content with your life and can’t wait for what the future holds

 Thank you to everyone who was involved with that movie!!! Thank you for showing women how ridiculous we can act sometimes and in the end it’s all ok.  Many blessings to those who have served in all of your friend’s weddings, it will just make yours that much more amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

Stinko De Mayo

After long extensive research, I have come to the conclusion that an epidemic has swept the West Hollywood area. 

Halitosis- N. the state or condition of having bad breath. 

What I don’t understand is: if people go out to meet a potential mate, why wouldn’t you brush your teeth or have a piece of gum accessible.  So everyone asked for blogs from Cinco de Mayo and to be honest it was quite uneventful.  When you put me in a bar of all Latin music, nothing can break that blissful zone.  Besides the lesbians dressed as Pancho Villa and being asked “if there are any specials” approximately 900 times, it was a quiet night.  The one thing that worries me for the future of dating is the lack of concern for breath that smells like you just pooped out of your mouth.  So on this day, I know everyone has been chowing down on Mexican food and washing it down with margaritas.  We all know how well Mexican food settles in the stomach, so for me to be writing about your breath rather than your flatulence speaks volumes!!!!  This situation puzzles me, as there are many solutions sold rather inexpensively at any corner store.  Before you go out into public, where you will reflect how well of a job your parents did on raising you….

Mouthwash…

Floss….

Brush….

Maybe mouthwash again…

Brush again if you want to get crazy wild!!!!!!!!

As you leave the house…grab gum and mints to be fresh after you eat.  I understand once you’ve hit the land of intoxication, all cares are thrown out of the window.  We, at the bar, have found many interesting items left at the bar due to inebriation; purses, wallets, underwear, floss, sunglasses, retainers, phones, people…..yes!!! People!!! So I am positive that your breath is not your top priority!  That night we found a girl passed out on the floor in the cabana. Where are her friends?? Who is she? She didn’t even know her own name…this being  a whole other topic I will not address at this time…..hmmmmmm and as I was staring at her….I couldn’t stop obsessing about how bad her breath probably smelled!!!  Yes, I will admit I have a problem with teeth, breath, and smells.  If I had it my way I would probably brush my teeth about 100 times a day, but I humanly understand it is not healthy for my teeth! Hahahahaha! I could use this OCD tactic for the good of other’s lives and bring it to their attention of why they might still be single.  I am so grateful for the bar in many ways.  I have learned so many life lessons that are not taught in school or home.  I am not at all saying I always have good breath…ask my boyfriend! Hahaha! He will attest to the fact that there are many times I need a breath mint!   So beautiful people of West Hollywood I will provide of bowl of mints for you!  Before you order, please place one in your mouth and I will give you whatever you want with a smile! Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Doom Day!

To all my fellow bartenders…..

Let’s gather for a moment of silence…as it is May 5….uuuhummm Cinco de Mayo.   Today is the dark day when all of society throws on their ponchos….straps their sombrero hats on….and commences to act like complete morons!  I hate to break it to all of you…perrrrrrooooooo you’re NOT Mexican…nor do the Mexicans appreciate you trying to be with all of the insulting stereotypes! Actually, this Mexican is very amused by it so keep on playing…player!!!!  As long as I do not have to make green beer….this girl is a happy camper…..I can pop coronas alllll night with a big fake smile on my face! J

WE should all gather on the corner of Santa Monica and Robertson blvd and initiate the largest prayer circle known to mankind.  Dear Lord Jesus Christ son of God….please come to our aid tonight and grant us patience.  For these souls have no idea what they’re doing!  They actually know exactly what they’re doing….I started to see Facebook messages at 4am….happy cinco de drinko! I started to meditate and will be in meditation until I have to leave for work…as I need all the help I can get!  HAHHA I’m sure the Mexican Army of 1862 are so grateful that all of their hard work is now referred to as cinco de drinko!  To all who served in the Battle of Puebla…thank you for all of your sacrifice for the freedom of others!

To all of society who will be going out tonight: here are a few instructions as many of you have obviously not read my previous entries!!!

1.       Do not scream at me!

2.       Have your order ready!

3.       There are no specials…unless you are at Fiesta Cantina!

4.       Have your money ready….this is not an open bar!

5.       I don’t care about your idiotic costumes…your friends are the only ones who care.

Now let’s have a great evening!!!!!! Let’s all have fun and make money!!!!! J  Coming soon to a computer near you…..a new blog tomorrow! I have graciously received many blog requests about tonight, so I will be taking notes while I’m working! Happy Cinco de Mayo…please party safe!!!!!!